ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
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“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
how high up are we talkin’?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
a fate I wish upon no one
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.