ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
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the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank