Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”