Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

My new favorite headline

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.