Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.