Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

when dads have a rap battle

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

The legends were true

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.