Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
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Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.