ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I’m going to need a moment here.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
