ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Very problematic
liiiiiiiiike
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
found my next D&D character name
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
