Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
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Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
me, too, girl. me, too.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Good morning!
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again