Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
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BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I like crazy people until they notice me
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable