Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
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Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Check your privilege
Shoo shoo! 😂
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
This could be us… but you playing
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.