Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.