Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

greetings!

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.