Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

we did it you guys we saved daylight

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks