Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

I…do not understand how electricity works.

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it