Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.