Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
You Might Also Like
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.