Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
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My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.