Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
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You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE