Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.