Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

🤣😂🤣😂

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that