Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
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Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.