Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy