Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.