Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

Stop sending me this shit.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away