Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.