Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day