Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
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My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here