ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
