ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Just a reminder, folks:
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
