Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

no regrets

gender is a sprctrum

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]