Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

ah yes….my favourite videogame

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.