Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

Ah..makes sense now

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

This forever.

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”