Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.