Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
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*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.