Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

need a new bf mines broken 😐

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

Thursday Thought.

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

eggs benadryl

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

From my Mom

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

this could fix me

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.