Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.