Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
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My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.