Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
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When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Breaking news:
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*