Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]