Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
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Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Best spoiler warning ever
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It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.