Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

Schrödinger’s cookie

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

Me: …
Dog: …
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.