me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
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When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
me after drinking all the wine:
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!