Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

Jesus steals the winter solstice

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.