Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what my late-night hot pocket sees

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.