Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

I am yelling

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?

Me ~ Kerosene…

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”