Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

I might carry a baby with one hand.

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.