Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”

– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

Go bears!

(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled