Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.