ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
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*limbos away from your hug*
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
termite twitter scares me
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.