ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
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Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.