ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
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When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
❤️🦆
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Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
PER MY LAST EMAIL
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My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH