ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
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Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
This raises questions
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
opening twitter today
wtf is a larm clock?