Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

Cause of death: Zumba

Me, in DM rooms…

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”