Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

ready to be harvested

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?

“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.