ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
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George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
“you changed” bro i was 15
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens