Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

A Match(.com), but for socks.

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

I feel seen.

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

apparently this year was written by stephen king

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…