Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”