Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

💻🤡

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.