Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well