Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
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Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.