Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

Möther may I have a snäck

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*