Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.