Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

*lint rolls you awake*

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her