Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Why is everyone getting married at me

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.