Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

Double negatives are never not confusing.

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

What kind of car does a sheep drive?

A Lamborghini.

Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.