Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
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I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow