Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

(2022)

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now