Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
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I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
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