Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
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god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.