Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
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Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.