Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please