Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
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I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.