Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

Like sleeping!

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!

Me: How about a guillotine?

Wife:

Me: I’ll be on the couch.

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

Limited budget

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.