[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
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📽️movie date🎞️
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend